Live Loved

For the past six months I have written updates on my challenges and progress in recovery.  This is the first time I have looked back to the days immediately after it was decided that it was not my time to die.    I planned to join my brother “Max” and Tom Craig Tuesday morning on the final kayak expedition for their second book. I texted Max my ETA at his place, approximately 9pm Monday night. When my housemate came home he saw my car in the driveway, and my cell phone charging inside. He correctly assumed I had gone out on my bicycle and incorrectly assumed I would be home soon. I came back into consciousness a few days later, in UF Hospital's intensive care unit. I woke gently as if from a night’s sleep. Looking down at my body, I saw evidence of multiple injuries far worse than any I had ever sustained before. What the pain medication didn’t numb, felt achy all over. Although I didn’t remember the accident, I remembered setting out o...

I have not been online much lately- again. When I stay off the computer at night, I tend to go to bed earlier, sleep better and rise to seize the relative cool of morning. It’s very helpful in helping me have peace and stay on course. The part I regret is that I’ve communicated and reached out less. Decades of personal and social healing work have taught me the value of close relationships. I like the way this is expressed in the Nguni word “Ubuntu," the view that “I am who I am because of who you are.” I regret that in a time like this, I haven't found time to call dear ones. At the same time I trust that this season has its wisdom too. Isolation has become solitude and has nurtured self intimacy. The strange land I’ve seen the past 7 months has inspired me to reflect and gain new awareness. Although I still prefer and recommend companionship, I imagine that some legs of the spiritual journey must be traveled solo. If it sounds like my mind spends its ...

Early in my counseling and ministry days, I saw that losses/traumas bring up old unhealed losses/traumas for healing. I’ve had that in mind the past months. This morning, a nightmare gave me the opportunity to get a better look at what I’ve been carrying. At first shook up, I began some breathing and compassion exercises. Gradually and increasingly I felt peace in my body.   After an hour resting, I decided to take another step to attempt reconciliation with someone I hadn't spoken with in the past few years.  The accident made clear to me that we don't know how many days we have in this life, and that I have some amends to make, some clean ups to do, and some speaking up to do.  I resolved to do whatever inner work would be needed to make peace; let go of resentments, forgive, and what truths need speaking.  Upon completion of my email, I went back to sleep and had sweet dreams.  I slept a while.  I woke groggy, m...

Sitting in the small dimly lit eye exam room another post traumatic gift arrived.  Dr H seemed warm and welcoming from the start.   He introduced himself as Stephen.  As he shook my hand, his eyes cast a calmness out to my soul.  In between the various eye tests, he asked questions about my condition and what I had been through.     I’ve become accustomed to people asking me questions since the accident.  I guess the cast jetting out in front of my wheelchair invites conversations.   Many begin with joke: “Did you kick somebody?”   My come back, “I was hit by a truck.” catches them off guard. Usually their shock is followed by signs of concern.  Then, well apparently questions are like Lays potato chips.  No one can ask just one.  Me, not known for short answers, I respond with stories.  Oddly, it doesn’t deter people from asking more questions.     Fielding Dr H’s questions, I cli...

My first post consisted of what I would have written had I been able to write five weeks after the accident. It told of the amazement that filled my days; the spectacle of a healing body and the beauty of strangers, family and friends praying and caring. thankfully the care has continued. Nevertheless, the honeymoon of my recovery is behind me. I am eager to share what came after the honeymoon. Now I get to demonstrate my faith and ability to sustain a long term recovery process. As my brother chronicled, the streak of victories eventually became punctuated by disappointment and losses resurfacing. I had developed unrealistic expectations from consistently hearing superlatives about how well I was doing. I imagined that the pain and hardship would soon behind me. I appreciate how denial has it’s purpose. There is no way to instantly integrate and get over trauma and major loss. I was “choosing” to not consider the harder parts. At two months, the bandages were pealed ...

There has been an online conversation about me for two months. Until recently I was silent. It was not humility nor restraint that kept me quiet. Aphasia caused by a head injury was responsible. In the first days, a head injury blocked me from speaking. Soon garbled words came and then a few clear ones.  Weeks later in rehab, I was diagnosed with mild anomic aphasia.  My speech therapist pleased with my cognition said it suggest an excellent prognosis.  My speech and communication have now come a long way!  Though far from healed, my speech is generally understandable.   The journey from near death into rehabilitation has been wonderous!  Beginning with a state of shock and grief at the harm sustained by my body, I came to cherish most every little bit of healing.  Recovery rocks! In Rehab I enjoyed daily gains that kept me excited and enthusiastic.  I also seemed to have the homefield advantage, a cheering section of a hospital...

"Grant us Peace, thy most precious gift, oh eternal source of peace." ..., And she did. ... With great trembling, I stepped forward and faced new challenges, ones that took me to my limit and beyond. It has seemed to me that to keep my integrity, I needed to walk alone. In the past year I found myself facing more and more challenges alone. I could and did draw on the support of colleagues, friends and family. Without them, I'd don't know where I'd be.  At the end of the day, however, it's me taking inventory of the day.  Okay add G*d.  Alone and not alone. Days passed from the conflict. With support and time I noticed that I was still breathing.  I came to acceptance. Today I abide with joy in my heart. Tomorrow or next time I'm daunted, please remind me of what we've come through together. Remind me of a love that is greater than anything we face. Remind me that love is here for us.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4F1oY6xZcc